The 2020 Mega Men's Conference

THE 2020 MEGA MEN’S CONFERENCE

BY MATILDA PHIRI

“The long awaited men’s conference is finally here,” a loud but husky voice announced on the radio. Immediately, I dropped the mop, rushed to the radio and turned the volume up.  “All Men, young and old, let’s meet at Chichiri Stadium for the mega men’s conference,” continued the message. 

As a man who was doing nothing important and with no hopes for a wife, I was curious and I quickly made up my mind that I should avail myself on this big day. My curiosity was on what will this conference bring forth on my life? What kind of men will I meet there and how will they help me with my problems? These were questions that came into my mind and I prayed that this day should really come so that we can share our problems for problems shared are half solved.

The year, 2020 has been very hard in history as Covid-19 pandemic has wreaked havoc across the face of the earth. The virus invaded the world and messages of how to prevent it, were everywhere such that not following them was out of sheer selfishness. Many of us adopted the messages and with God’s grace the virus was wearing out. In the same year, men who have loved ones have talked and discussed at length the possibility of calling for another conference to shun away from the upcoming Valentine’s Day in February. The said conference would have to be on the same day as that of valentine so that they should not take their spouses to merrymaking places. Unfortunately, the conference did not materialize. It only existed in words and never came to pass. However, I wish it could have happened. I wanted to hear the objective for such a conference? I wanted to know what women had done to deserve such a ghastly treatment. I am a troubled man when it comes to asking a girl out and somehow I thought to myself that the conference could also be a chance for me to learn skills of how to cajole a girl. Anyway, the year, 2020 has been very bad and I will forget not a bit of it.

Months later, the social media was abuzz with news of the birth of Stingy Men Association of Malawi (SMAM), an organization for men which aims at promoting the habit of saving money by being stingy to girlfriends and wives. As mysterious as it sounds, it made me freeze with terror hearing the name and the objectives it purported to achieve.  I wondered to myself as to what has happened to men to the point of instigating an organization that aims at denying women access to money? I wondered if the bible has changed because the last time I checked it said loud and clear that, men should love their wives and that women should submit to their husbands. Isn’t loving your wife translates into respecting her, buying her things and giving her some money for her daily needs? Where are men getting these strange ideas? I have run out of words and I choose to close my mouth. Nevertheless, I know every problem has a well-structured solution. All these stories we hear have a remedy waiting somewhere. Stories about men raping women and infants, what a disaster of a year! Huh! Only God knows. I am too young to comprehend the events of this year.

We should appreciate that long at last men’s conference is finally coming. We will hear what they have prepared for us. We are patiently waiting for what the organization at large has for us and what the guest of honour has it installed for us. “I will be the first to reach there”, I spoke to myself. The good thing is that the messages of the conference will have spread everywhere and it will take place in all the regions of the country. This is the chance for men who have unanswered questions to get their questions answered. I am not spared on the question part. I also have a lot of questions that I will ask on that day.

The other thing that troubles me is the way how we suffered at Polytechnic University. We slept outside school premises and ate soya pieces a thing which never happened during the reign of Kamuzu Banda, the father of this nation (May his soul rest in peace). My parents once told me that long ago, the menu in the University cafeteria was wonderful as if it was a hotel of some sort. Sorrow grapples me when such is news in our modern universities. How do we expect students to do better when they have poorest diets ever? Sometimes, we create problems ourselves, problems which only drag us backwards instead of treading forward. The same applied to the public hospitals so they say.  Food was so good and enough to both the patients and the guardians. Atleast back then taxes had a proven track of their work. Only God knows what has happened to the new Malawi. But all in all, this has to be looked into once more. Schools and hospitals should be treated with the utmost care they deserve.

The news of the conference spread like wind, blowing across all men in the country. I kept thinking of the day and waited patiently for it. In my thoughts were questions and suggestions and my opinions which would help one or two men who will patronize this conference. What pains me is seeing a man, with two eyes and strong enough to work, crawling in the face of darkness stealing from other people’s hard harvest. Many are people who are physically challenged and visually impaired. These men desire normalcy so that they can use their strength and feed their family. Why could a normal person resort to stealing? It is of no doubt the wrath of hellfire awaits such men. 

And what about these girls and women who opt for abortion when they have pregnancies? Why would you terminate the precious lives of the unborn babies? Funny enough, they claim to abort because the pregnancy came unacceptably. What a funny joke! Didn’t you know that what you were doing would lead to pregnancy? You are worse just as thieves and hellfire is burning waiting to consume your fresh. You are murderers. You are killing God’s creation. Worse still some men seem to have their head malfunctioned. They impregnate a girl and confidently tell her to abort. What a disaster! You are inviting a curse upon your life you shall gnash teeth someday if you don’t repent.

Another thing that brought pain to me is the story of my school friend. He had a girlfriend from school and then he met a white lady and fell in love once more. Good, it was a lady and not a man like what other men are doing falling in love with fellow men. My friend with his new girlfriend, a white lady, went to Mangochi to have some fun in the lake. While there, they took pictures of themselves and shared them with his first girlfriend. However, he lied to her telling her that the white lady helps him pay his school feels. He lied like this to his girlfriend with no conscious at all. Men have become worse and we need to be helped. Our dignity has gone missing.

Another burning issue is beer. I have to admit that we, men, have gone beyond measures in taking liquor. Alcohol has become our engines and that is why we are not acting in a dignified manner. Alongside alcohol is Indian hemp (Chamba). We smoke Indian hemp every day as if it’s a dosage. Would our heads work properly with this kind of behaviour? Obviously no! And we are killing ourselves. Those who do it, if you have excess money share with your friends who need it to start a small business so that they can transform their lives for the better. We need this upcoming conference and I have prepared for it.

The day for the conference came and the conference was the first of its kind. Men and boys of not less than 18 years patronized the conference. I had never seen such a large gathering of people. It was men all over the place. They were all wearing nice suits in different colours. Everyone was eager to listen to what had brought us to the conference. I was also wearing a suit which I wore when I was graduating from Polytechnic University. Most of us need to find something to do; the business of any sort or work because we have laboured with our school and we need to see the fruits of it. NEEF should come in and help us.

“I welcome you Mr State President and the Vice President to our first ever Men’s Conference,” the convener said. All eyes stared at him. “Let me also welcome all the distinguished guests. We have representatives from all the countries in SADC region; feel welcome wherever you are. I recognize the companies and organizations that have sponsored this event. Finally, let me welcome every man who has graced this occasion. Your presence speaks volume to the women out there that we are more united than they think we are. We’re here to show them that men have woken up; women shall not take advantage of us again. We say NO to gender violence of all forms!”

There was a deafening loud applause. 

The ululations subsided down and the convener continued speaking. “First of all, my name is Mkwapu Khaulisa. I am working with Dzuka Malawi, an organization that looks into the welfare of women and children who are prone to violence. It has pleased us to organize this conference so that we can try to change things that have gone wrong amidst ourselves.”

“The first thing that has rotten is a habit of a few men who are raping women and infants in our localities. What is the problem with you men? What has gone wrong? Today is your day, express yourself. Why does this keep happening? What is the problem that needs to be fixed”? He paused, waiting for a reaction from the audience.

“These women are rude these days” shouted someone from the crowd. “They refuse us our rights in the bedroom. What are we supposed to do then if they refuse us? And again these women are disrespectful when we ask them out. They rudely turn you down. They make you feel embarrassed. And what could a man do in such circumstance? Yes, raping women is bad but somehow these women should change in their behaviors towards men”. The crowd chanted over his words.

“I understand your concerns”, said the speaker. “I will make sure that I channel these concerns to these women so that something should be done urgently. Women should not deny men’s bedroom right and they should not make fun of men proposing love to them. A little respect is paramount for co-existence between men and women. It is good this has come to my attention. I will relay the message”.

I was so happy to see such a multitude of people and the good points coming out of the conference. This was also my chance to say something that was troubling me. I asked questions which I was responded to. And again I aired out my concerns and my opinions which were gladly welcomed and put into consideration. In the end I was lucky for I got employed by Dzuka Malawi. They employed me because I portrayed maturity in my thinking and they thought my ideas and knowledge should be put into good use by employing me.

The conference exposed us to pieces of advice. The first was that those who have no wives or husbands and that it is hard for them to propose love; they should consult their chiefs or their pastors.  There, at the chief’s place or pastor’s, they should specify the spouses they want so that when such a person comes along, they should be matched and arrange a marriage thereafter. This was helpful especially to me since I find it hard to ask a girl out. This would help many of us to get married and again drastically reduce rape cases in our country. A plea to the chiefs and pastors, treat this with the utmost sincerity. Don’t make fools out of people who are looking for spouses otherwise the law will take its course over your conduct. This current regime will make sure that you pay for your offence.

Another thing that interested me and which I learned from the conference was the idea that we men should show that we are men by being strong, independent and hard workers in order to achieve our goals. Through that these girls and women will fall for us. Our achievements will coax women towards us. He gave an example of people in Tanzania. Tanzanians sell sugar cane, knife-pealed, so that customers should not have to labour peeling it. He also said people there sell dried oranges, bananas, and mangoes which are preserved long before in their season. The good thing about these dried fruits, as he said, is that they retain their sweetness and some customers prefer dried ones to fresh ones. We have learnt a lot and we are asking our government or any other non-governmental organization to help us with a machine that dries up these fruits. We can be in cooperatives to utilize the use of this machine.

Other method of curbing the habit of sleeping with children was suggested by one member. He said that the government should sensitize people about rape just like it did with Covid-19. Messages of rape and the punishment attached to it should be spread far and beyond so that the rapists should be put to fear. Let the laws take their actions against such men just as they did with 2019 elections here in Malawi. 

“Sometimes parents should see to it that they sensitize their children about child molestation” someone from the crowd shouted. “If a boy touches a girl’s breasts or any other part without her consent, the girl should report him because he is molesting her. Girls should be told that their body should not be touched by men for if that happens, rape cases may be on the rise. There is also a need to put a stop to the habit of men calling these little girls their wives. That tendency gives these girls a false protection which if it is not checked can lead to rape cases. Why would a grown-up man call a very little girl his wife? This tendency will someday lead to some evil act. For example, if this man calling the little girl, my wife, decides to take her out claiming he wants to buy her sweets, this innocent girl will succumb to that trap and in the end, she might get raped by this man. These men and those who rape the little girls should be punished severely. They should pay five goats or be sent to prison for raping little girls. Parents we should not allow any man even those around them to play with our little girls. Let us all protect our little girls from these monsters. It is my plea that we, as men, should change and may God help us”

“Parents should have interest in their children”, another man shouted. “They should protect their children just as they do with their money. Parents cannot allow someone to take away their money and this should apply to their children. Do not let your children play outside your site. Don’t allow the children to be fond of strangers who may have evil thoughts. These children should be our friends. We should talk to them, listen to their stories. Every night we should be asking them how was their day and if any man touched any of their body parts. We should be open to them so that they open to us. With this we will defeat the devil” the crowd ululated at his remarks and there was hand clapping and chanting songs.

“Parents should also see to it that their children are dressing properly before leaving home”, yet another man from the crowd spoke. They should not dress in see-through attires or any attire that are inappropriate. Sometimes the devil may make men to rape a girl just because of the way the girl has dressed. We should also advise our girls on seating postures. They should seat properly so that they do not expose their private parts”

All in all, I have learnt a lot from this conference. There were constructive points at this conference. This should be the beginning and it should happen annually so that we can be transformed. “But wait a minute, what is that happening around Robins Park and Kwacha? Who has authorized the robbery of phones and people’s wallets there? What is wrong with you men? Please respect yourself and refrain from that habit. Those trees are not to your advantage to rob people. Work hard and eat your own sweat. I will report this to the police so that they should disguise themselves as civilians. Try to rob them at your own peril. You will be hunted down in all the places you hide. We are tired of you. Enough is enough. Its time you pay the price for your crimes. You should face the law now”. This also came out from the conference and we were all glad for this. We should thank God for this wonderful and fruitful conference that we had. Women too have desired it and they plan to have a conference of their own so that they can educate and sensitize one another about things that affect them. And again, they want to find better ways of protecting themselves from evil men. They also intend to discuss about how they can care for their families. And so, it is true good things never fill a spoon. The conference came to an end and yes, our Malawi will never be the same. I’m yours truly ‘Mayamiko Mvereni.’